Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you