Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me and who
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.