My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name