The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.