I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?