You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.