I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Merry Christmas
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.