soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
You Might Also Like
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Inside you there are two wolves
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old