I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
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what’s the point then??
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
🤭😂
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.