THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
#parenting
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard