if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now