My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.