Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.