People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
This is my emotional support knife.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds