Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
You Might Also Like
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”