Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction