this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Hmm, not sure about this change
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity