When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.