Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
okay run it by me one more time
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Guys, I found it.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”