my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
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Never be a pizza!
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.