Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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never forget
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
a public service announcement
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider