Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.