Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”