“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
How wrong was this guy?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
August 8
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.