*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.