I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
God has left this place
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me