Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?