my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
January has been Januweary
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor