*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.