If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You Might Also Like
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Lmao
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.