While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Whoa 😂
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
That lamp looks PISSED.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person