R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.