My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
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[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
the three branches of government
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I thought this was funny lol
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.