Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
2022: I can fix it
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually