I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)