Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]