I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I saw this ending much differently.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.