Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers