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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby