JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
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Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?