Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”