Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.