The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I feel it
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”