Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO