[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed