Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Worth a try
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.