My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Always a metermaid never a meter
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*checks Timeline*…
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.