and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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Sign at work today
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.