Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.