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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid